just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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