May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
