I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
