My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
