and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Is Oprah even human
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
