You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
