My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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