Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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