I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
