you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
