it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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