I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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