Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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