margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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