No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
