i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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