My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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