I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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