Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
