This is not my ceiling
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
