There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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