I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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