he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
