My liver just broke up with me...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
