I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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