She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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