I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
