Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
