when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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