I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
