I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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