sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
