Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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