Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
