After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Congratulations! We have a period
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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