I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
