I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
