she woke up with a sticky ear
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
