My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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