all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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