i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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