Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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