Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
