I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
