I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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