if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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