dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
