Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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