if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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