I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
