i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
