Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
