I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Come share oat with me in your robe
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
